February 9, 2010
Hurt, Pain and Discomfort

Right now in my life I’m realizing that my actions in my past did not include what I wanted for me in my future. Some of my actions in my past has caused me to hurt and potentially lose that one person who I did not want to ever leave my sight. Changes that I should have made prior to this even starting are now hurting me by losing the one, let me change that, THAT ONE who was there for me through thick and thin. I’m not the old me, going out partying with friends and acting careless by the decisions I made, that me is gone and I’m proud to say I know for sure he isn’t coming back. Your right I didn’t have you on my mind first when I should have and now I realize that and it hurts me so bad. I wasn’t thinking about who it affected or what consequences it could of caused, and thats where I made my fuck up. As bad as I’m hurting right now, I’m sure you felt this way at some point in time when I was out making those mistakes. I always stayed faithful and dedicated to you so that never was a concern, it was just the partying and hanging out with people that I shouldn’t have been. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you or reminiss on the good times that we had with one another, baby I miss those days I really do and I pray to God that one day I get to prove to you that all those good times can always be like that in this relationship I promise. The past is truly what that means, no glimpses or anything will ever refer back to those dark days.

I’ve had to mature a lot over the last couple months, certain things are setting in on me as the man of my household. My dad hasn’t been here for me or any of us over the last 11 years and maybe one day I can truly explain to you why and let you see where the anger comes from and why its there in the first place. It’s not you that I’m wanting to take anger out on, it’s him. Its just so hard for me to build up the courage to say what I want to him because I want everything to be perfect but then again I hate taking it out on people that I shouldn’t be taking it out on because it hurts them and I’m sorry. Soo much pain and hurt is going on inside of me right now I just can’t find the strength to get over all of this because its so much you didn’t know and I should have spoken on it before now but I had trust issues, and I didn’t feel comfortable expressing that to you at that given time. I pray every night that this changes so you can see the real me. Everything is in the hands of the man upstairs and all I can do is stay faithful to him and hope things change.

  1. blessinginthesky posted this